A Divided Heart

I haven't written a post from my heart in a long time. It has, truthfully, just felt like too much emotional work to try and find authentic words. It's felt easier to "hole up" in my heart and stack bricks up around my feelings and numb out by mindlessly scrolling social media or losing myself in a good book. And, oftentimes, we just need some one-on-one time with the Lord that nobody else needs to know about. I enjoyed posting recipes here this summer, but now I feel ready again to sit quietly, fingers to the keypad, my heart cracked open, and try to articulate the words that accurately express some of my recent thoughts.

So, here is one of those thoughts...

The Lord has been whispering in my ear, gently revealing to me a truth that I want to share here. He has used painful, confusing circumstances and dashed dreams, to show me some truths that I needed to see. Lessons that I needed to learn. Repentance that I needed to have.

My mom has always been a big fan of festive holiday centerpieces. I now, too, really love a festive, fun, beautiful centerpiece. Magnolia leaves around the Christmas candles, pink confetti sprinkled around the pink roses at the birthday table, and ceramic Turkey-Tom amidst faux acorns on the Thanksgiving tablescape. Centerpieces: they are the main focus, the delight, the festive beauty, the central focus of the gathering.

I've realized that the centerpiece of my heart has been something other than Jesus, for years. That something is good, Biblical even, but it's not been Him.

The Lord is not ok with being a "close 2nd" in the line-up of my passions.

Jesus. Ministry to orphaned and vulnerable children.

That's the order it has to be in.

It can't be...

Ministry to orphaned and vulnerable children. Jesus.

That's it.

That's what He has been showing me.

Consider yourself warned -- this is a vulnerable post. It's humbling to share this here, but maybe the Lord will use it to cause you to honestly and humbly reflect on who/what is on the throne of your heart. I hope so.

I have been realizing, as of late, that my heart has been divided. My Tim-Keller-loving husband shared a sermon with me about a divided heart recently...he just thought it was a really good sermon. I listened to it, and the Holy Spirit unexpectedly hit me right between the eyes with conviction about my own divided heart.

Since I was a little girl, I have had an unwavering passion for two things: an unexplainable interest in Africa and a deep longing to serve orphaned and vulnerable children. Africa and orphan care make my heart beat fast. I have often felt like they are the reason God put me on this Earth. I wanted to adopt children since I was an 8-year-old girl. I can honestly say, I wanted it more than biological motherhood.

I have taken courses on child trauma/trauma care, I have attended conferences on orphan care, I have gotten certifications in crisis training, I have read endless books on connection and attachment in adoption, I am an adoptive mother, and I have served in several volunteer roles that gave me exposure to vulnerable children -- I believe it is a calling that God has placed on my life. I can't explain why I feel so passionate about it. I've thought long and hard about it, I've tried to make sense of it in my own heart, and largely, I just can't. All I know is that it is there, it is real, and it feels very special to me. It has been one of the greatest joys of my life.

In a lot of ways (except for the distance between us and many loved ones), I feel most "at home" when I am in Africa. The smell of the clay streets, exhaust from the trucks that lingers in the air, the green spread of Acacia trees, the pronounced spices in the fresh foods, the colorful gardens, the driving rain storms, the brightly-colored, traditional African fabrics walking up and down the streets, the large, woven baskets toting goods atop heads, the simplicity and slower pace of life, the hospitality, the rugged wildlife, but most of all the children -- all feel like a comfort to me.

The love I have for Africa is a part of me. It always will be. And it's a real part of me. I know that the stories of each of the orphaned and vulnerable children I know, and the injustices that surround their stories (and though no two stories are the same, each story represents 1000's more very similar to it) deeply hurts the heart of God. I was so excited to move there and serve the Lord in this way. When that was taken, I was shattered.

God has been showing me that any mission, any passion, any effort, any ministry that usurps the throne of my heart, becomes an idol. That includes orphan care (or any kind of care) in Africa (or anywhere).

God is not willing to share the throne of my heart with any other, including a cause that is close to his heart.

The Gospel must be the centerpiece of my heart and the gas that fuels the heart behind the justice mission. If the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Him crucified, buried, and risen is not always front and center in all of our justice mission work as believers, then our hearts become divided. Mine was. He is jealous for my whole heart. And it is a good thing that he is.

I tend to think about idols as being more worldly things: materialism, bank accounts that never feel like enough, social media followings, image, the desire for admiration from peers - things like that. Not until recently did I consider that perhaps the Lord used circumstances that prevented us from moving to Zambia to reveal to me what I was treasuring in my heart above Christ...My deep devastation was proof of my heart's greatest treasure.

The supremacy of Christ in our hearts is paramount, whether brushing our teeth or serving orphaned children. That's not to say we can't be honest about our sorrows and honestly lament, but how shaken should the Christian be by loss?

When the Lord opens that door for us to serve him in ways that we long to, I will walk through that door beholding a different diamond this time. That diamond is Jesus. I will rest in the finished work of Christ. I will fight injustice on Earth while knowing that all wrongs will be made fully right in Heaven, allowing that hope to bring a peace that surpasses understanding.

In Tim Keller's sermon, he said something to the effect of -- If you are the servant of a king. You do not walk into his throne room and say I have this going on today and I am available to you from 10 am-2 pm. He is not your assistant. No, you say,

"Here I am, what do you want from me today? I am wholly yours."

The King, on his throne, calls all the shots. He is a good King. A loving King. A kind King. He is a trustworthy King. For now, this good King has asked William and I to stay put, an act of faith larger than moving overseas, quite honestly. We will receive his command with open and faith-filled hands.

What path of faith is the Lord asking you to walk down right now? Can you find peace in anchoring your heart in the character of God amid your disappointment? Have you, like me, been treasuring anything, even a good thing, more than you have been treasuring the finished work of Christ on your behalf? Jesus died for you that your joy in him may be complete. No circumstance or hurt can take that away from you. Will we choose to lean in on his strong and sovereign shoulder?

We 100% can because He is trustworthy.