Guest post written by Elizabeth Sunday (Gemma)
Do we ever forgive and forget? Does the hurt immediately disappear after you say the words, “l forgive you?” Do the tears cease to flow on dark days when you remember your traumatic past? How many times have you had to forgive the same person over and over again for the same sin?
I was very young when I lost both my parents and paternal grandparents in the space of a year. My grandmother died of cervical cancer, my father and mother died from AIDS. My grandfather died a natural death. I was three when my father died and four when my mother passed away. My older sister, at eight, went to live with an aunty and my younger sister and I, three and five years old, respectively, went to live at an orphanage in our state after social services approved us.
Growing up in the orphanage, family members were allowed to visit with us for 30 minutes, twice a year, under supervision. On one particular family visitation day, after having asked my maternal grandmother, she brought a family photograph of her side of the family. I pointed to a particular lady in the photo and asked why she never came to visit us because the others came as they could, my grandmother couldn’t look at me after I asked that. She cried all throughout the visit. Before they left, one of my aunties told me that the lady I had asked about was my mother. I was determined to know as much as I could about my parents and if possible, visit their places of rest.
Bottom row: Gemma, Anna, Sarah (3 sisters) Top Row: Victoria (Gemma's beautiful mother)
Left to Right: Sarah, Baby Israel (Sarah's son), Anna, Gemma, Maggie (Gemma's best friend)
After graduating high school, an uncle from my hometown died and we traveled there for his burial. It was the perfect time to ask to see my parents’ graves. My older sister and I swiftly asked our uncle after the funeral where our parents were laid. He casually told us he didn’t know, spat to the left, hurriedly walked over some unmarked graves and disappeared into the crowd. In my community, unmarked graves are for thieves, prostitutes, strangers without families and other societal mishaps. Maybe those unmarked graves were Victoria’s and Sunday’s (my parents). I was furious. It was this same uncle who had sold out all of our inheritance, all our father’s enormous farms and household belongings leaving my sisters and I penniless and homeless as small children. Tears stung my eyes, I tried to swallow the big lump in my throat. How I hated my uncle! I wished in my heart that he was the one we had buried. I could visualize the sigh of relief I would let out as the dirt fell: thud, thud, thud on his coffin. Could I ever forgive him? I vowed in my heart to never forget – I would always remember this. A vow made in a place of hurt and anger.
In Matthew 18:21-35 (see below), Jesus tells the parable of the unforgiving servant. A king was going through his books of account to settle them when he noticed that a particular servant owed him an enormous amount. This debt would require multiple lifetimes to pay off. The servant was brought to him and he pleaded for mercy. The gracious king, as I love to imagine, tore out that incriminating piece of evidence against the servant and threw it into the fire, there was no record of wrong against this servant, he was a free man!
Going out from the king’s presence, the servant who had been forgiven bumped into a fellow servant who owed him a small debt. He beat him and had him thrown into jail until he paid what he owed. Report reached the king about what this unforgiving servant had done and the king threw him in jail as well until he himself paid off his enormous debt.
Jesus teaches that to be forgiven by God, we must also forgive others. Forgiveness is not easy but it is possible through Christ (Philippians 4:13). Forgiveness is an act of love.
Sisters! Left to Right: Anna, Gemma, Sarah
We cannot control how people treat us but what we can do is to show them God’s love through forgiveness. It may take a lifetime of daily choosing over and over again to forgive my uncle, but Christ, the author and finisher of my faith, will bring me to the point where I will no longer be hurt or bitter by my uncle’s actions regardless of whether he apologizes or not. In the words of Martin Luther King, “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” Who do you need to show love to through forgiveness today? A harsh caregiver? Someone who assaulted you? An unfaithful partner or maybe even yourself? Remember that forgiveness is not automatic; it is an intentional conscious process. God can and will help you!
Matthew 18:21-35
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
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