We love our babies. Bottom line. But some days, it is just hard to feel like you are winning at this whole parenting thing. In talking to other moms, I've learned that this "mom guilt" is not uncommon. However, there is an extra layer (or 5!) of complication for the adoptive mamas who's precious little ones have experienced early childhood trauma.
Trauma has a trail. There are things that, as adoptive mothers, we can't erase from our children's stories, no matter how much we want to. My heart cringes at the thought of the early life experiences of my daughters. I would do anything to take away their pain. Our mama-bear protective instincts rage at our children's stories of loss and trauma before they arrived in our safe and loving arms. Truth be told though, some days, we wonder if we are even helping the situation or are we just making things worse? A lie from the pit of hell, no doubt, but an honest confession.
The Body Keeps the Score and Anatomy of the Soul are two books I would recommend. Rewiring the brain (the Neural plastic nature of the brain is amazing!) is possible but it takes time, repetition, intentionality and an ever-giving spirit. Spoiler alert: my sinful flesh doesn't always want to be a giver. This pouring-out in our child's healing journey rubs edges with our selfish desires some days. It can be really hard.
Dr. Karen Purvis stated that the cycle of need in a child who comes from trauma has to be met thousands upon thousands of times in order for the brain to be rewired. It takes patience and gentleness on the part of the primary caregiver. It takes wisdom to parent a child (in general!) but especially a child who comes from trauma.
I wonder if you can identify with the feeling of constantly questioning yourself: Is this behavior a fight-or-flight response to an early experience that left an imprint on her brain or is this behavior my child's sinful nature coming out and nothing more than pure defiance. Does she need discipline or a hug? Both? I don't know, I don't know!
The best advice I have ever been given as an adoptive mother was from another adoptive mother of 4. She told me,
"Oh Catherine, get on your knees and beg God for wisdom."
And so, that's what I do. A lot. I ask God daily for wisdom, patience, and gentleness. My main game-plan in this whole parenting thing is prayer. I don't know what I am doing, but I know the One who has called me to this. I trust He will show me the way. And you too.
Every child, every story, every personality, every situation is different and what works for one child may or may not work for another. What may be appropriate for one child, may not be for another. Seek God's wisdom for you and your child.
This is a lifetime commitment. It is not for the faint of heart. When you adopted your child, you adopted all of him or her. Past, present, and future. You adopted her/his trauma too. Just as Christ did to you. This is your ministry. Remember, the Lord's call over your life to do this. He will be your strength.
In that spirit, here are a few of the other techniques I have started implementing into my routine in order to help me more patiently and gently mother in the face of challenging behaviors. This list is meant to serve as an encouragement to you...
1. Acupuncture or accupressure mat. Buying the mat on Amazon ($26), allows me to be able to more patiently mother my child. This may sound strange but it is amazing how lying for 10-15 minutes on this mat can significantly lower my stress level. After laying on the acupressure mat I feel like I have taken anxiety medication.
2. Deep breathing. Yes, in the moment when my temper fires 0-60 mph, but also alone during the day. I will go in my room, close the door and use the beautiful book Breath as Prayer try Jennifer Tucker as my guide (on Amazon $15). I breathe in Scriptures, and breath out Scriptures. It's hugely centering to my heart.
3. Playing Christian music in our home. I will turn on my Apple Music playlist and let it play for hours. My child at home, likes noise. If there isn't noise, she is usually filling the space with constant chattering ( a common trauma response). It sounds benign but over time it can be extremely stressful to never feel like you have minute in your own head. The sound of the music playing helps her to be quiet, fills her mind with truth (even if it's in her subconscious) and it helps me to focus my mind on things above.
4. Keeping God's Word open on the kitchen counter. When I pass through the kitchen I can stop and read a verse or chapter, whatever my schedule allows in that moment. Don't discount the value of a 30 second hovering over God's Word. We need it like we need air.
5. "Quiet play" every morning. Each morning after breakfast, my daughter and the family dog go to her room together, close the door (45 minutes - 1 hour) to do "quiet play." This habit has been built over time and over the years. It began with 20 minutes and grew from there. She knows she has to remain in her room and no questions are allowed during this time. She may go to the bathroom or get herself water but otherwise she understands that is Mommy and Daddy's time with Jesus and time alone. This allows me to start the day refreshed with the Lord and having filled up my heart with some time alone with Jesus.
6. Headphones for my daughter. She is currently 6 years old and in the car she thinks it is very cool to wear headphones and listen to music. So, I crank up her christian playlist on my phone and she is able to sit quietly and enjoy the music. I am able to enjoy some quiet head space.
7. Audiobooks. This one is in the same vain as No 6. Audiobooks are great at home or in the car. Silence, I have learned to one of my daughters = fear. Therefore, one of our main tasks is creating noise that is comforting to her but also sustainable to us as parents who crave moments of quiet.
8. Smarty Pants multivitamin (on Amazon $18). These clean vitamins have fish oil in them which can be very helpful to any child who may struggle with ADHD (every adopted kid, lol but not really). They are natural and free of the gunk found in many other children's multivitamins.
9. Revisiting Karyn Purvis' TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) course (link below). This may be one of the most effective things I have ever done as an adoptive parent. I think I should probably take it once a year, honestly. This blog post has led me to just register to take it again. Dr. Purvis focus' on deep soul-level connection with your child. She gets the struggles you face and she is so wise and helpful in reminding adoptive parents that your child is not trying to be difficult, this is the result of something(s) horrible that we are trying to work through to bring our precious little the healing he/she desperately needs. A trauma-informed course I cannot recommend enough.
10. Talking to other adoptive mothers. This is HUGE. I have found that trying to explain some of these things to non-adoptive mothers (usually, but not always) only leaves me more exhausted and feeling misunderstood. I know those precious friends mean well but understandably they cannot really understand the constant-ness of some of our struggles. On the contrary, other adoptive moms are like "yup, us too! I get it." It is so life-giving to feel understoond by someone else who is in the thick of it. Find yourself an adoptive mama friend or two or three that you trust and talk to on the hard days.
I hope some of these things that have been helpful to me will be helpful to YOU too in your journey with your child. YOU are doing an amazing job, Mama. Truly.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength"
Nehemiah 8:10
Comments